Why doesn’t she just leave? Resisting the urge to contact the abuser
As anyone who has been in abusive relationship knows, you can’t reason with an abuser. You can’t make them see how unfairly they’re treating you, you can’t use logic or common sense when attempting to resolve a disagreement. Relationships like this are toxic. Abusers tend to have narcissistic personalities; they push the right buttons, accusingly project their behaviours onto their partners, and are experts at playing emotional mind games.
And yet, as anyone who is still in an abusive relationship knows, we still attempt to reason with them. They hurt us and we forgive. They continue to manipulate us and we try to minimise what they’re doing. We make excuses. We convince ourselves that our partner isn’t bad, evil or abusive; he or she is just having a bad day, going through a tough time, is taking out his or her stress on the one he/she loves.
After all, this person used to be good, kind, loving. Right? And that’s the person we are forgiving and making excuses for; the person we used to love. Who used to love us. Not this abusive monster they’ve become.
This is why we go back. We forgive. We try to forget. We make excuses. And the abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, or both, always happens again.
This is why it is so damn hard to leave. From the outside looking in, it’s so simple to ask, ‘Why does she put up with this?’ or ‘Why doesn’t he just leave?’.
But anyone who has been on the receiving end of emotional, physical or even sexual abuse, knows that it’s just not that simple. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. We want to hold on to the person who we knew before the abuse (if that person even really existed). After all, it used to be good, right? At some point, we did have a relationship worth saving, right? Maybe?
And this is also why so many people go back. ‘She has changed.’ ‘I owe it to him to try to make it work.’ ‘I could have done things differently too.’
Except an abuser is almost always going to continue to be an abuser. I’m not doubting people cam change their ways, be rehabilitated or turn their lives around, but the likelihood is that things are not going to change and you’re probably going to continue to suffer in one way or another if you stay in a toxic relationship.
And despite knowing all of this, our feelings get in the way. Sometimes we look back. We think, ‘what if…?’ ‘What’s the harm in meeting for a coffee or sending a text?’ ‘Maybe he has changed after all…’
I was in this position recently. It has been years and years since I even saw his face. A person who repeatedly broke me down inside. And occasionally put his hands on me. And I forgave and forgot. And forgave and forgot. Until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore and left.
Recently I got the urge to get in touch. To ask questions. Lots of ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs’. I felt the need to dig from a distance. To know if I infiltrate his dreams, like he still does mine. As if he unknowingly still has some kind of hold on me. Even though it has been so long.
I didn’t get in touch. I told my husband about it. And then I told him I’m going to write. So that is what I’m doing. And instead of writing to a toxic person who doesn’t deserve to hear from me, I’m going to refer to a list of things I can do instead. And I’ll keep it close for the next time I get the urge. You can feel free to use it and/or make your own list.
Find professional support. If it’s too much and the urge is still there, get help.
For anyone else who gets a similar urge to reconnect with someone who mistreated you, feel free to use my list, or if that doesn’t work, get in touch with me instead.
We can resist the urge together.
UK help: https://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/get-help/
US help: https://www.rainn.org/
